Psychology Today magazine encouraging porn usage

[CoolAunt]

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles ... 00007.html

A partner member of the support board for porn addicts and their partners linked to this advice column, very upset that a "psychologist" is handing out this advice. I noticed right away that the author, Hara Estroff Marano, has no letters after her name, although it would have made no difference. Before taking suspiscious advice or letting a hurting woman be told yet again that her partner's porning is okay and the problem is hers, I like to check the source. I wasted half an hour of my life to learn that Hara Estroff Marano is not a psychologist. She has no education or training in counseling, pshychology, psychiatry, etc. She is a self-proclaimed author, journalist and editor.

I find it disturbing, to say the least, that an agony aunt, Dear Abby wannabe is handing out bad advice to women at a publication whose name, Psychology Today, implies that the reader is getting sound advice from a mental healthcare professional.

This is only porn related in that she's encouraging porn usage by men and shaming women who are, rightfully, anti-porn. Is there an action here?

http://www.nationofwimps.com/about.php

I am an author, journalist and editor. I have been observing and writing about human behavior for most of my professional life, for the past 15 years as Editor-at-Large of Psychology Today. I have written for many other publications as well, including The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Smithsonian, New York magazine, and the Ladies Home Journal, and my articles have been reprinted widely. I write a regular advice column for Psychology Today called Unconventional Wisdom, and am a columnist for an international edition of Marie-Claire. I am the author of two previous books, the most recent on the social development of children, "Why Doesn't Anybody Like Me?": A Guide to Raising Socially Confident Kids (Morrow, 1998).

[Army Of Me]

(admin sorry for all the edits - I did try not to do it but my brain wouldn't shut up after I hit the submit button)

I have a lot of residual anger left over from yesterday. Had a big argument on the phone with b/f late last night about porn too. Didn't sleep much.

But here goes - I read the article quickly but what I gathered was the usual advice I have seen given to women who dare to broach this subject. Could the writer even have been real? Or was the question made-up so that someone could write more pro-poison?

Just a note: I have had 2 very qualified (both female!) counsellors tell me in the past that basically, my issues with porn were really my problem.

The advice from the article seems to go something like this, and is the usual shit I've seen in other advice columns addressed to women about porn concerns:


Men are visual, get over it.

Men like to visualise when they masturbate over images they have imprinted in their brains from porn, get over it.

You, as a woman need to get over your insecurity that he may think that the other women he has seen in porn, indeed the ones in real life who emulate porn, are more attractive. And get over the fact that he has no such worries about you possibly thinking about other men - he doesn't have a problem, you do.

Get over the fact that the women in real life, who emulate the porn look, are doing it to either keep their man from straying, because all the other women are trying to compete with each other by looking like the porn images, or they are trying to get a man to look at them instead of you, so that they can feel validated and "hot". They feel powerful when your man sneaks away and tries to get them into bed, which may or may not happen - but this is their right and you cannot stop this so deal with it. This is all entirely normal and there is nothing you can do about it, don't even think about protesting about porn and it's effects as it's your problem. Porn is enlightening and helpful to relationships.

You, as a women need to get over the fact that he is thinking of these other women while you are having sex with him. Just get over it.

It is up to you to initiate a meaningful & caring conversation with your b/f about how much you love him and open a dialogue to help him share his sexual fantasies - you may not be providing him with what he wants. Yes, it is up to you to pander to him, and he should not have to worry about your feelings. It is you that needs to do all the worrying and caring. You must use constructive thinking about porn to address your insecurity and fears. It's your problem, so you must be sensitive and caring when broaching the subject.

Take an interest in his hobby. Maybe you could watch porn together and share his fantasies. This will create emotional intimacy. Then, if he ever does cheat on you again, whether in his head or in real life, you will be able to deal more effectively with the situation (which will be your fault because you didn't talk to him enough or share his porn enough).

Take a real interest in his hobby - listen to his needs. Lighten up - you could have fun together by assessing what he wants your body to look like. He could go with you when you have surgery to re-shape your body to look like that porn-standard image he loves so much! This sharing of your intense pain would be a wonderfully emotionally bonding experience, as would the wonderous joy as the scars slowly heal and you witness the eager anticipation of your b/f waiting to use your new body as a fuck-object! Porn is so healthy!

Have fun and experiment! You could consider having an open relationship where he would not feel bad for screwing other women, as it would then be a level playing field and he will have given permission for you to have sex with as many men as you like, thereby making it all equal. Or, you could force yourself to become bi-sexual and engage in 3somes (only with other women included, never another man)! If it helps, you could take drugs and drink a lot to help you lower your prudish, neurotic inhibitions and help him to fulfil his fantasies, and if you deal with this in the right way, his fantasies will also become yours. Porn will help you to achieve all this and more!

Porn does not make men unfaithful, it's the neurotic women they are involved with, who have a problem with porn, that makes them unfaithful. It's up to you to keep the relationship emotionally close and you must keep talking to him, even if you think he is emotionally warped from porn - that's not true - it's you that has the problem - get over it. Yes, if he starts excluding you in favor of porn, then you can worry. If by then it's too late, it's your fault for not being ok with porn. (Don't worry if you feel that this is going to ultimately and very likely happen anyway, you must try very hard to deal with this issue on his terms, and focus on the fact that it is you with the problem, not him, and when it finally does happen that he dumps/cheats on you, you can beat yourself up even more for having such a problem with insecurity and emotional neediness - deal with it.)


Just get over it.

Problem sorted.

[gerry]

I have to keep turning off Public Radio here which seems to be doing a lot of pieces on porn lately---all coverage is basic cheerleading for the "new openness" around the subject. In all coverage, this tolerance is pressed as the liberal position---this material being run in Vermont, a very liberal state with a very high sex crime ratio--that is, compared to other states and compared to their own low crime rate in all other areas.

This morning's offering was a bubbly interview with one of Larry Flynt's good soldiers---all about the incredible freedom the man offers to writers voicing all kinds of subversive material and positions. I felt like physically attacking the interviewer--not one question that came close to questioning any of these vomitings.

[dragonfly]

It was really hard for me to get through that whole thing. I rolled my eyes so many times, I hope they don't end up getting stuck that way.

Basically it's just calling you (and any other female with a problem with porn) insecure. While I wholeheartedly agree with the fact that I am insecure (and gee, why do you think THAT is?), I don't think that's the only problem here.

If he's in a relationship with ME, shouldn't he want to do things with me? Before he seeks other sources, why doesn't he ask me for what he wants? Is the woman supposed to be a psychic in the relationship? Or maybe he already knows that I don't want to be double penetrated, and I don't want someone shooting his load in my face, so he feels that the polite thing to do is to go watch it elsewhere? You're right...certainly this is the healthy alternative here. Clearly I am the one with the problem, because the fact that women deserve respect is a silly old fashioned idea.

Oh right, then there's the whole problem with the porn industry! He's not watching people have sex. He's really watching women get raped. The women in porn are doing a job, because they are living in desperation...for drugs, money, whatever. The horrors of the porn industry are not exposed in the videos. The destruction of bodies, of souls, of LIVES is not shown in porn, because that kind of thing might kill an erection. And CLEARLY a man's ability to get himself off is the number one priority in this world. I should just sit back and let that happen. Something must be wrong with me if I find any of this to be a problem...A man's penis and his ability to ejaculate should be my main concern....and if it's not, it must be MY problem. I guess I just have to learn to deal with it.

[oneangrygirl]

i can't tell when this column was written, but you can email this moron care of:
letters@psychologytoday.com

[SaltyC]

Army of Me, don't apologize for the edits, that post was brilliant!


Dragonfly, that's right, they dismiss us as insecure. Well, we could be insecure, knowing that we are targets in a rape culture, that the only prescribed way to find love is to pretend we're whores but then don't complain when he treats you like a whore. Or we could just be mad.

[Army Of Me]

Salty - you summed it up quite well just then.

Thanks for the feedback - I am going to email the translation of her article (as above) to her. I just can't be fucked with these people anymore.

(As you can probably tell, I am still in a good mood lol.)

Update - sent it to the address supplied by oag above.

[MaddyH]

Where do these quacks come from? She must be just trying to convince herself that this behaviour is normal and acceptable, because if it isn't she would have to admit how ugly her partner's actions are. So she goes on telling others they should accept what she has already rolled over for. Sad.