Amy's Brain Today "Better sit down for this one"

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Amy's Brain Today "Better sit down for this one"

Postby sam » Tue Oct 07, 2008 8:30 am

Better sit down for this one
http://www.feminist-reprise.org/wpblog/ ... -this-one/

I came home all grumpy, disillusioned and out of sorts, and reading some of my faves, found I was not alone.

Sonia says:

I’ve said it before. if white people really cared, they’d…say something. if men really cared, they’d say something. everyone just walks around in fear. step, step, reinforce current system. step, left, right, give in to power dynamics. sigh. yawn. gunshot. regret. that’s what i see.

I am so tired of dealing with ignorant people-in Time, in life, that I almost would rather watch Rainbow Brite cartoons all day and eat Mac and cheese. every time you ever have a good idea people just guffaw and call you a hippie. the mac/cartoons is sounding better every day. is there some Fed Up Bitch Heaven where that type of scenario goes down?


Witchysays:
I’m not negotiating with myself or anyone else about the personal cost of my part in the fight for female freedom anymore. Nor am I attempting compromise. I am a radical feminist separatist and all my energies - physical, psychic and emotional - are focused on the liberation of women and girls from male dominance and control.


Wow, count me in, wimmin. What’s sticking in my craw today is the patriarchal lens, and the way so many women cling to it. I understand why we/they do, and it doesn’t make it any more palatable. I’m tired of the reversals — I’m tired of hearing women complain that they’ve been told “if you shave your legs, you’re a bad feminist!” It’s a straw argument, because I’ve never heard a radical feminist say that–though I have heard it said that “shaving your legs is not a feminist act.” (See the difference?) In the meantime, radical feminists are censored and smeared everywhere as man-haters, transphobic, judgmental, rigid, selfish, out of touch, fanatical, fascist, “unhappy,” etc. etc. You name it, it’s been used to discredit those of us who don’t back down from confronting patriarchy where it lives–but wow, how dare we criticize you for shaving your legs! How dare we not “support all women” regardless of whether they “support” or, in fact, actively attack, us. (There will be more on this in a subsequent post. Gird up your loins.)

White upper- and middle-class women in the United States are arguably the freest most privileged women in the world, and far too many of us cling like leeches to whatever goodies we’ve been able to scrounge from the outskirts of capitalist patriarchy. I’m tired of women complaining how bad patriarchy is, how much they want better, freer lives — and I’m standing right in front of them and all they see through their patriarchally-approved lenses is a big, fat, poor, unattractive, unfeminine, sloppily dressed, gluttonous, unhealthy, unsuccessful man-less hairy-legged loser. Do you see the connection here? We aren’t going to get change while we cling to the trappings of dominance and subordination–which is to say, when we continue to use patriarchal criteria to convince ourselves we’re better than other women. Jonesing for male approval and the treats it brings cuts off your ability to act in your own best interest. But let me do no more than point that out, and I’m the judgmental one. ‘Cause you didn’t just judge me and find me significantly wanting– oh no, of course not, you’re far too genteel for that.

While I don’t for one minute believe that patriarchy will be overcome by any one individual, I do believe individual choices impact the system, and I know for sure that every woman who resists creates a little bit more breathing room for the rest of us to do so. I can’t understand why women think change is likely to result from doing what women have done for millenia. There’s a line in an Indigo Girls song that goes, “You help me more by not giving in,”* and that’s how I feel about you. Even though you think you want my “support” for your “choices,” I’m not really doing you any favors by coddling you in your collusion. I’m not going to play that game where we “express our individuality” by buying the same clothing and personal care products as a million other people, just so we can impress each other at parties. (There’s a Target commercial airing right now where some male makeup artist claims that his product is for “women who are interested in freedom” or some such. How’s that for a reversal?) Every time you give in to the word “should” (or “shouldn’t”), you’re prioritizing patriarchy’s interests over those of women. Every time you value fitting in and doing what’s expected of you, you give up a chance to take a step towards freedom. “But we don’t learn about feminism/ women’s history/lesbianism in school!” Well, WTF, neither did I! How do you think I learned about it? I sought it out. I found women who knew what I wanted to know, who had lives like the one I wanted, and I listened to them. If the women who have the courage to live differently look like hippie loser freaks to you, then you’re fucking doomed.

What I’m done with, for the record:

1. Takey-takey relationships with narcissistic people. You know the kind, where the other person dominates the conversation talking about herself, interrupts you constantly, and can’t be bothered to listen to you for more than a minute without her eyes glazing over and/or turning the conversation back to herself. I thought I was just weird that these personality traits make me sulky and reticent, but I guess I’m not alone:

Most people will retaliate [when you talk too much] not only by being irritated and paying less attention to you, but by becoming less willing to share their own ideas and information.


Other things I don’t like about these kinds of relationships: Every interaction is about demonstrating her superiority, and is finished the minute she’s wrung the last drop of personal benefit out of it; invitations are accepted but never reciprocated; she ties herself in the most convoluted illogical knots to justify her unethical treatment of other women; she’s judgmental about just about everything, but goddess forfend you should ever judge her.

2. Relationships based on guilt, pity, or obligation. This is how I mainly get into the abovementioned messes. I was raised by a deeply self-centered, insecure mother who used other people’s misfortunes to feel better about herself. I was encouraged from an early age to “be nice” to the misfits, the poor kids, the kids everyone else didn’t like. (And it didn’t help that I was a relatively friendless misfit myself.) It’s good to help people in need, but my mother taught me to do it with full consciousness of my benevolent superiority, and full belief in other people’s complete neediness and incompetence. Though obligation has a powerful hold on me, I’m six months shy of 40 now, and I’ve let my mother’s values about relationships guide me long enough. I’m tired of being nice, friendly, supportive to someone because I “should” or because patriarchy’s convinced me of her inability to care for herself. I wouldn’t want someone to befriend me because they felt sorry for me and/or so they could feel good about themselves, rather than because they enjoyed my company and found me interesting; and so I’m done treating other women that way. Perhaps it was to be expected that my relationship with my mother would be a casualty of this particular purge.

3. Spaces or events where my resistance is invisible. I’m tired of it being “fine” to be a radical feminist separatist lesbian as long as I don’t talk about it. Anyone who’s in any way marginal and dealing with the dominant class knows what I’m talking about — the way their eyes slide past you, the way there’s no uptake on what you say, the way they nod and smile while you can see them desperately hoping for the love of god will she just shut up. In particular, when a lesbian sits around with straight women, they can be spewing the most god-awful hatred and frustration about men in general and/or their particular Nigels, but let the lesbian make one general comment about patriarchal dynamics, and wow, the wagons circle up so fast it would make your head spin! “Oh, well, they’re not ALL like that.” “Oh no, I wasn’t raised to be anybody’s servant.” “Oh, but I love men, I really do!” It’s like you can only criticize patriarchy if you have your hot beef injection credential all current and up to date. (Which is just one reason why straight women should be doing a lot more to critique and explore alternatives to nuclear-family heterosexuality, marriage, and motherhood–since apparently you don’t want to hear it from us.) I came home from an event like this yesterday in one of my bleak, fretful, angry, self-hating moods, which surprised me, because I haven’t been down that road in a month or more. It finally occurred to me that, far from there being something wrong with me, as I’ve believed, these moods are a direct result of having my resistance invisibilized. In the past month, I’ve been spending time in a space (besides my home) that is openly lesbian- and separatist- positive, and I like how I feel after being there. I like how the effect of those experiences is rippling across all areas of my life lately. I’m glad there are women in the world who are willing to do feminism 101, and I’m not one of them. If I can’t bring my whole self to your space — and in particular if I am the only one of my kind present — then, thanks but no thanks, I pass.

Well, geez, Amy, you might be saying, you’re not going to get out much. You’re gonna be pretty lonely. And you know what? So be it. I enjoy my own company, I have lots of solitary, creative, productive hobbies, and I’m fortunate there are a handful of women in my life who are real and solid and who aren’t willing to sort women according to patriarchally derived good girl-bad girl status. They’re the pretzels and peanuts in my chex mix, I tell you what, and I’ve always preferred the occasional unusual to a steady diet of the stultifyingly ordinary. I’ve lost interest in settling for the common and I’m willing to hold out for the exceptional.

And with that said, I want to thank you today if you:

1. Haven’t had any kids yet.
2. Eat with gusto and enjoyment rather than fear and loathing, and know you are lucky to have food to eat at all.
3. Wear clothes you’re comfortable in, instead of dressing to look a certain way.
4. See a woman who’s ugly or old or dirty or fat or poor, someone the lemmings of middle-class conformity ignore, look at that person without benevolence or condescension, see that person’s humanity with your humanity, and just say hi.
5. Look the conditions of your life in the eye and name them for what they are, without weaseling.
6. Make the hard, unfun, uncomfortable decision that supports women’s freedom–including your own–rather than the easy sparkly choice that validates patriarchy.

Those of you who do that stuff and more, kudos from me to you today–and if you want me, I’ll be in the Fed Up Bitch Lounge eating macaroni and cheese with Sonia. You comin’, Witchy?
"Your orgasm can no longer dictate my oppression"

Trisha Baptie
sam
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Re: Amy's Brain Today "Better sit down for this one"

Postby MaggieH » Wed Oct 08, 2008 11:25 am

This is such a great post! Thanks for sharing, Sam!

radical feminists are censored and smeared everywhere as man-haters, transphobic, judgmental, rigid, selfish, out of touch, fanatical, fascist, “unhappy,” etc. etc. You name it, it’s been used to discredit those of us who don’t back down from confronting patriarchy where it lives


Yep, that's what happens. Though it is not surprising (because radical feminism is the absolute antithesis of patriarchy), it is still sad. Funny that most people who trash us IRL haven't even read any radical feminist book. :roll:
"The assumption that "most women are innately heterosexual'' stands as a theoretical and political stumbling block for many women. It remains a tenable assumption, partly because lesbian existence has been written out of history or catalogued under disease;. . . partly because to acknowledge that for women heterosexuality may not be a "preference" at all but something that has had to be imposed, managed, organized, propagandized and maintained by force is an immense step to take if you consider yourself freely and "innately" heterosexual. Yet the failure to examine heterosexuality as an institution is like failing to admit that the economic system called capitalism or the caste system of racism is maintained by a variety of forces, including both physical violence and false consciousness. . ."
-- Adrienne Rich, in Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence: http://www.terry.uga.edu/~dawndba/4500compulsoryhet.htm

“The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any more than black people were made for white, or women created for men.” ~ Alice Walker
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Re: Amy's Brain Today "Better sit down for this one"

Postby radfemlezzie » Wed Oct 08, 2008 12:50 pm

Wow, thanks sam! And here I was thinking everyone would be hating on me after I said that mouthful. :)

Hope you're doing well.
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Re: Amy's Brain Today "Better sit down for this one"

Postby sam » Thu Oct 09, 2008 8:56 pm

No way, Amy, your work of art is righteously quotable. I've been using "gird up your loins" all day.
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