I don't know how much more I can take

[MaddyH]

I don't know how much more I can take

I feel ripped down, torn, I've been raked

I am ready to snap out of my skin

Screaming violently back at them

How vicious and violent can you possibly be

How can you torture a child who’s only three

I want to scream out loud and cry at the same time

I want to rip you to shreds, pull out your spine

Then the reality hits that I am the one who will be cast out

I can't afford to feed my child if I stand up to him - he has clout

I cannot drag him into this topic again - I cried about it again last night

I don't want to loose my marriage because of not getting past it... right?

Those girls who were trafficked, that infant who was raped, let it go

Those aren't my issues, I should just give it to god, he will know

All these fucked ideas and thoughts in my head,

Why won’t all these women stand up before I’m dead

‘Cause I can’t handle it anymore, the pain I’ve seen

Soon I’m gonna snap and it won’t be taken so keen

I need to be heard, I need some support from my sisters

Are they serious they think its normal to work at hooters

This is getting scary I am too close to the edge – I am going to jump

Here I am sitting in my cubicle; I’m a bomb, a loose cannon, a trump

My mind is spinning fast, my blood is boiling ready to rage

I am ready to scream and run face forward into my new cage

Save me from my anger dear friends – my sisters, this is you just as it is me

Come with me now – fight, stand and speak out so you and I can finally be free.

[oneangrygirl]

sometimes taking a media blackout vacation can help.
doctor o.a.g. recommends one week off for you.

[MaddyH]

Thank you.

[MaddyH]

Thank you really, I just needed to get this off my chest. These things really torture me. I take it home. It is so painful to know that no matter how hard I work where i am at changing this, it is happening now as I type.

[annared]

I do understand MaddyH
I've strived to find some truth in all of this madness, and now i found it, sometimes i think Mmmm yes, what the fuck do i do with THIS! A lot of my friends feel "disgust" "sadness" whatever, but they seem to be able to find a little niche in the back of their grey matter to tuck it away. Sometimes i get so overwhelmed by the brutality of men that i actually feel "detached" and want to hide away. I think what oag said is good, give yourself a "blackout" or come and dump on here. My friend said that sometimes being with me is like being "forced to watch a horror movie" and some people don't want to see, for whatever their reasons.
I don't know what else to suggest apart from what i've already said, but rest assured you are not alone.
Shit i sound like ya granny !

[MaddyH]

I appreciate the advice, this is still fairly new to me - not the pain - its the dealing with it all, I guess. I feel like there is so much and the people who are responsible for the pain won't take responsibility for it. Someone needs to pick up the little girls and boys up off the floor and be there... and no one is. They call it normal, part of life, boys will be boys. I feel there should be more done than is. You are right they choose not to see it. I can't tell you how many people just will not talk about it. It must be a form of dealing with it themselves - they feel unable to do anything so they do not even try, and if they aren't trying to do anything, they can't hear of it, because then there would be guilt. This is what I think it must be.

How can I be angry at those who suffer differently with these issues, I cannot. They are dealing with the pain the only way the can at that time. It took me years to get only to this point (taking action). I wanted for a long time to take action and just did not know where to begin. I just feel that if everyone who knows this is wrong, would all simply stand up, more change would happen and it frusterates me to the core.

I do thank you for expressing your support. It helps to know that there are many out there who do stand up.

[oneangrygirl]

Most people aren't willing to feel for a minute the horror, outrage, etc. we feel all the time.
That's the basic reason.

[MaddyH]

I think your right and they get angry at me for making them think about it. How can this outlook change if we cannot even get our friends and family to look at how they view porn / women / strip clubs / prostitution. Most of my sisters think it is normal to go to strip clubs and (male and female) and that prostitution should be legalized. This past year for Christmas morning, all of the adults were given a pack of porn playing cards in our stockings... then the guys all sat around the tree making jokes about the plastic surgery and the eyeballs at the ones they wanted to sqrew. All this in front of my son, my husband, me and my 6 other nieces and nephews. We left immediately and I told my parents we would not be comming for Christmas again next year, but this is the kind of denial and neglegence that just destroys my patience.

Their response to me saying it was wrong was that I had been sexually assaulted and I was "obviously hyper-sensitive to this issue" and they promised not to carry porn around us again. That is not what it is about... and I left it at that. We haven't been there since. I will not raise my son in that environment. Period.

[Army Of Me]

Maddy you are such an inspiration - I cried when I read your poem.

My b/f says things like "you can't take the whole problem on yourself". That's not the point.

The point is, we are among the few in the world (at the moment she said optimistically) who choose to not close our eyes any longer. We are facing the truth full-on and it ain't pretty.

I tried to shut my gut feelings up for years, even before you were born, I could see the shit happening and felt the rage. It's so hard to deal with the issues we address in here, but it has gotten to the point where voices of protest need to start, and as the saying goes, a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

I have no doubt that many more will find the courage to face the horror - it has become critical now and people will see that there will be no choice but to either be part of the problem or part of the solution.

We all feel that pain, that's what we have in common. And to fight the evil, we have to face the evil, and it's fucking hard.

It's shit really, but has to be done.

Maybe as more voices join in, more people will find their own to use with ours.

[annared]

Andrea Dworkin always seems to put it so eloquently ...

"Many women, I think, resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships. It is as if our oppression were cast in lava eons ago andnow it is granite, and each individual woman is buried inside the stone. Women try to survive inside the stone, buried in it. Women say, I like this stone, its weight is not too heavy for me. Women defend the stone by saying that it protects them from rain and wind and fire. Women say, all I have ever known is this stone, what is there without it?

For some women, being buried in the stone is unbearable. They want to move freely. They exert all their strength to claw away at the hard rock that encases them. They rip their fingernails, bruise their fists, tear the skin on their hands until it is raw and bleeding. They rip their lips open on the rock, and break their teeth, and choke on the granite as it crumbles into their mouths. Many women die in this desperate, solitary battle against the stone.

Andrea Dworkin:
Our Blood: Prophecies and Discourses on Sexual Politics, 1976

[MaddyH]

Thank you... friends.

[SaltyC]

The process of liberation hurts. Many slave narratives speak of this. When Frederick Douglass escaped and read a black liberation paper that described what was wrong with subjugation of black people, he described bring filled with unbearable anger.

Also I'm reminded of a story on _This American Life_ about a black man in the US navy in WW2 who survived a shipwreck and was saved by NewFoundlers. They had never seen a black man, and treated him like a human. After that, it was much harder to accept when confronted with American racism. It upset him more after he was treated like a human being than before.

So this pain is part of a personal emancipation. It would not happen if you were totally dominated. But it is still tragic what goes on.

[MaddyH]

It is funny that you mention that, because for the first time in my life I am able to be complete control of myself, my actions. Without being verbally, physically, sexually, and psychologically abused for doing so. Maybe this is why I felt less affected by the social acceptance of this behavior years ago... because I didn't realize I had not been fully emancipated from the slavery that exists in a male-female relationship. I still encounter it with my husband, but not in the same way and not even near the extremes I have endured. I feel safe to say and do what I feel and think. I know he will not beat me if I say no.

[MaddyH]

I guess that sounds silly - he would not be aggressive in any way, not only physically. But very real statment, you are probably right about that.

[bluecoat28]

I like this thread. I'm at the stage right now where I think, "There's younger activists out there right now who are in despair". I'm sort of "used to" the despair at this point and I'm trying to come to terms with some stuff-- that I might really end up being a real antiporn activist in the future-- for instance, let's say Gail Dines and Rebecca Whisnant for example, die in a plane crash (for example)-- someone has to take their place... Who? Me. yikes!!!

[KatetheGreat]

Thank you really, I just needed to get this off my chest. These things really torture me. I take it home. It is so painful to know that no matter how hard I work where i am at changing this, it is happening now as I type.

I know what you mean, Maddy. The other night I went into a big funk about all of this because I genuinely feel crazy sometimes when I'm the ONLY one who can see something wrong. It seems so obvious, that it starts to feel like someone kicking you in the eye and tellign you they're improving your eyesight.


It's not just the degradation, it's the mindless consumption of women, of people, this narcissistic, cheapened, throw-away, style-over-substance mantra we seem to be chanting as a society that depresses me.

I remember one girl asking me, in front of a bunch of guys "what my problem was" and asking why I even cared so much. She was suggesting my hyper sensitivity MUST be due to some past abuse (ie. you're mentally damaged, that's why you can't enjoy this). I don't think it's any of her business for one thing, and for another, is it ABNORMAL to have an adverse reaction to the kind of behaviors that normalize the "boys will be boys attitude" that legitmizes abuse? Is it abnormal to see the connections?

To me, if I was in a vicious fight, and then get offended when people talk about knives being the solution to all problems, is it just that I'm "overly sensitive because of my experience" or does my experience give me valid REASON to take issue with it?

So needless to say, I understand what you mean. There are some days I feel entirely alone, simply because it's impossible to avoid and everyone just seems to think it's the best thing to happen since curly-fries. I have Josh who's on my side and does a great deal in terms of speaking, but he still has the priveledge of knowing he gets to go out in the world much less affected by it all.

You're not alone - you've got to keep it up. And you've got to keep writing.


And bluecoat, maybe you WILL be the next Gail Dines. You should move here so you can hang out with Josh, Dragonfly, RGM and I and we'll form our posse of young'ns.

*I am not responsible for any bad similies or metaphors used in this post. I am hungry and writing when I should be going to eat lunch.

[MaggieH]

MaddyH really moved me! What a courageous woman!

Does she still post on G'berg, BTW?

If you can't answer this question (above) publicly, please PM me.

P.S. Take care, Maddy...

[sam]

Last I knew Maddy said she needed to take a break for awhile. Because I know how dispiriting and depressing this activism is I don't hound people who step away for a while. I trust they'll come back when they're ready.

[Evo]

This reminds me of some comments that were made on another thread somewhat recently - referring to a Robert Jensen Quote: "I do not want to live in this world" (or something to that effect). That's how I feel too. Like I am up to my eyeballs in this sludge that everyone else tries to pretend not to notice but I can't breathe anymore. Every time I try to fight it I get dirty looks and hands come from out of nowhere to try to hold me down in it. Sometimes it feels so hopeless that I can't see continuing indefinitely.

My fiancee has said the same things as Army of Me's boyfriend. "Why do you spend so much time reading about things that upset you? Why do you look for this horrible shit? You can't fix everything." If I had a dollar for every time a well-meaning friend or family member reminded me that I "can't change the world", I'd probably have enough money to do just that.

I completely understand your frustration and despair. It is very real and very heavy.

[MaggieH]

Evo wrote:

This reminds me of some comments that were made on another thread somewhat recently - referring to a Robert Jensen Quote: "I do not want to live in this world" (or something to that effect). That's how I feel too.

In the Thread "Great Review Of Robert Jensen's New Book Getting Off:Pornogr..."

Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007

RGM wrote:

MaggieH wrote:
Quote:
"I don't want to live in this world."


This is one of the best Jensen quotes ever! I feel that way sometimes. That quote clearly resonates with me.

I agree. He's had some very memorable lines, but this one truly stands out. And I think that's why a lot of us are here: we don't want this world, and we're banding together to inspire one another to remake it into a better one.

-------------------------------------------------
MaggieH replied:

RGM wrote:

Quote:
And I think that's why a lot of us are here: we don't want this world, and we're banding together to inspire one another to remake it into a better one.

Wonderfully put, RGM!