everyday horrifying things thread

[oneangrygirl]

Here is a compact thread dedicated to the everyday porn intrusions we experience when we try to watch TV or leave our houses:

1/9/07 driving along Route One behind a car with its back windshield decorated with a giant likeness of the Playboy Bunny and the phrases "Happy 18th Birthday" and "Finally Legal."

10/27/06 11-year-old boy tells me he is going to dress up like a pimp for Halloween. teachable moment ensues.

[dragonfly]

I work in a children's store. A week or so ago I was talking about Halloween with a little boy and his older brother. He told me he dressed as a "streetwalker" (complete outfit with mini skirt, fishnets and fake nails), and his older brother was his pimp. Considering this kid was at most 10 years old, I was completely flabbergasted.

The parents were nowhere in sight.

[oneangrygirl]

20 minutes ago at my school:
and 8th grade girl wearing a necklace with "The Bunny" and the words "Miss October."

[elfeminista]

Insanity.
They "porn and perv" people say that we are "prudes',
(you know i happen to like mary dalys' definition of "prude" quite a bit, see wickedary.com), but that is slightly of topic), we are not prudes, I think that what we are doing by warning people is closer to health professionals explaining that unprotected promiscuous sex may increase chances of catching an STD.

[KatetheGreat]

I like the McDonald's analogy in response to the "prude" comments, myself. It's true though, I never accuse my vegetarian friend of hating food because she dislikes the practises used in producing meat, nor the effects it can have on health nor the philosophical implications. There are alternate ways to prepare food, just as you can have a great sex life without porn.
Porn is the McDonald's of sex - fast, easy and if all of the stories I've heard and evidence I've seen time and time again are any indication: not fulfilling/bad for your health in the long run. Not to mention those involved in the production.
Choosing something better for yourself does not make you prudish.

So while we're on a bandwaggon, here's my horrifying moment regarding porn culture's interesting ability to leak into my life(be prepared for a long one): It's about my friend, who some may remember me writing about (the future med student diagnosed with anorexia). We were out shopping today and I left for a bit to look at another store while she went into La Senza. When I returned, she was buying a black patent leather panty-with-ridiculously-short skirt-set to wear with a french-maid style bra (ruffles on the shoulders, massive pushup), garters, stockings and "stripper heels" for some guy.
(You'd have to see it in person to witness all of it's glory.)

She proceeded to show me the items- With the vinyl and the way it zips up in the back etc. my first thought was that it was a looked like a costume right out of a porn movie. (and conveniently enough, the display is even placed by a stack of purchasable whips) "I LOOK LIKE A PORN STAR IN IT, IT'S FRIGGIN AWESOME!" She yelled. In other words: "The sexiest thing possible! He likes porn! So he's going to flip!" The woman at the counter said it's extremely popular and they gushed over it for a good 5 minutes while I tried to busy myself by poking the slippers. All of this is at La Senza, a pretty mainstream store. The thing is: my friend just turned 20 a few months ago, and she spent about 100 bucks on the full deal (excluding the heels, garters and stockings which she bought previously). Her entire vision of sex is centered around porn which as she previously revealed, finding her boyfriend's secret stash became the identified starting point for her eating disorder. This makes me feel both furious and helpless.

Please also note that, personalities aside, the male object of her pornification is tubby and unshaven a great deal of the time.


She knows I'm anti-porn-culture, but seems to forget this little detail conveniently every so often. She must remember some of the time that I'm not going to pee myself with excitement over the costumes since she failed to tell me she dressed up as a dominatrix geisha for halloween (with the short chinese-style dress, handcuffs and stripper heels) - thus I can't explain her lapse in judgement this time.

To sweeten the deal, she wants to stop into MAC (the makeup store) afterwards. Here the woman tells her they're having BARBIE DAY soon, to release a new line of makeup that was created around the idea of looking like Barbie. "Look at these models!" the woman says flashing the catologue in my friends face "don't they actually look like dolls?" "Omigod! that's so adorable! I Can't wait!" she squeals.

By this point I'm fuming at how blatant a lot of this stuff is.

I'm aware it's supposed to be cute to look little girlish/like a doll, or a porn star - but when all the cash is counted, how's it showing in terms of emotional results? It's like Ariel Levy said, a lot of this is commercial. Yes, she'll get her minutes of glory as this guy lusts over the pseudo-porn star that is, but this girl is 88 pounds. This is not wanting to be attractive, it's very constrictive and the marketing is almost hilarious if it weren't so sad.
She gets a lot of favourable attention for the way she looks in these stores and it really opens my eyes to some of the ideals people have that they don't articulate around me because I'm at an average weight. It perpetuates her disorder, and she's dropped out of and refuses treatment now, which worries me.
Marketers sell people like her that minute of hope that she can BE fabulous and sub-human, a walking fetish. It makes her feel great in spurts. It keeps her buying thinking she almost really likes herself or has some sort of lasting power.
Yes, there's more to anorexia than that - personal control issues. But I always think of the breakouts of eating disorders on the Fiji islands after they introduced more of our media. It's personal, but it's also cultural: so I think you can't ignore that part of the equation and claim that marketers and our society's standards/ideas about women have NO part in it whatsoever.

You don't have to be starving yourself for this stuff to be having effects on your psyche.

They call it liberating, but I'm not seeing it. Marketers were very clever to pick up on this oppportunity: Now Halloween is not the only the time to show your porn-star side, Valentines Day is too! And Why not sexy Easter Bunny? Hefner's already got a look you can rip off for that. How about Sexy leprechaun? The chances to dehumanize and sell pseudo-power products to women are endless!
Let this be a lesson to you all:
This Valentines Day, Pornstars are the thing to be.

[oneangrygirl]

5/23/07
6th grade boy tells 6th grade girl "You're my bitch," then turns to another girl and says "You're my whore."
i find out, refer boy to principal for sex harassment discipline.

[dragonfly]

You know those toy machines you put money in, and then try to use the claw to pick up one of the prizes? I took a picture of one in Denny's, something in there just didn't belong.

http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb24 ... 0_2043.jpg

a closer view...

http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb24 ... 0_2042.jpg

[sam]

The only thing worse than selling the Play*boy bunny to kids is selling cheap knock-offs of it to kids.

[bluecoat28]

"I raped you at that video game" --- some boy at the Teen Center I work at to his friend. I didn't correct him and I felt lousy for not saying anything. They say other horrible things too.

"I was ass-raped by the math exam" --- a high school boy to his friend when I was in high school. I didn't say anything-- I overheard it.

"Best Buy rapes you with their prices" --- a coworker of mine from the IT department at my university (I told him to stop saying that, and to stop using the word "retarded" in the negative sense, and he complained to my supervisor that I was making the workplace uncomfortable, because he feels like he can't say anything around me).

[RGM]

(I told him to stop saying that, and to stop using the word "retarded" in the negative sense, and he complained to my supervisor that I was making the workplace uncomfortable, because he feels like he can't say anything around me).

That's the sad thing in all of it. You are going to be the one who gets in trouble for telling a sexist jerk to use a more enlightened vocabulary. That's worse than the time I put up a December 6th poster in the staff lunchroom and found it IN THE GARBAGE the next morning.

[Cellycel]

There's this "Old Time Photo" place near my house, where people dress up in costumes and get their photos taken. There are different backgrounds, and it looks like it could be fun.
One of the backgrounds for the wild west scenario has a room that says "gentlemen entertained."
The women wear fishnets, like all of them. In the fishnets you can see the garters and in the garters is a fanned out wad 'o cash.
They smile for the camera 'cause gosh isn't this so much fun?

Worse still: The garters for the children are no different. I see the sample photos of little girls in their fishnets with the garter that had the wad of cash attached, and I can't think much more then "This is wrong. There's something wrong with the world"

[Evo]

My fiancee's 10 year old nephew informed me on Thanksgiving that his teddybear hamster is named "PinPin" because it sounds like "pimpin'", but he can't get in trouble for it.

I wanted to say something, but I felt like if I did it would start shit with my fiancee's sister and his aunt (who is raising the kid).

OH, and the weekend before that, at a surprise 40th birthday party for MY aunt, I had to interrupt my mother who was trying, along with several of my aunts and most of my YOUNG (12-15 year old) cousins, to learn "the superman" and ask her if she realized she was dancing to a song with the lyrics "Supersoak that ho". She said she didn't, but that "everyone is doing it - even Ellen is trying to learn it on her show!" It was so disturbing to see most of the women in my family smiling and trying to learn the moves that go with lines like "supersoak that ho". I knocked back the rest of my appletini and hit the road.

Grr.

[KatetheGreat]

Jeez, that garter thing is terrible.

As for the song, my older sister often defends listening to Eminems "Shake that Ass" with the Chris Rock line "they ain't singing about me!". She does it with a laugh, as if she knows that's a stupid excuse, but there is truth in it.
I acually first learned about sexual objectification from her when I was younger, which is odd. I know her heart's usually in the right place but lately she really doesn't stop to think about this stuff all that much or connect it to the broader picture.
As long as it's "someone else"...

[axjxhx]

this was horrific.

the other night my husband chuckles to himself, grabs his crackberry™ and says "you've gotta see this..." and searches his text messages and says "someone sent this to me today." (this is so bad!! ) it was a crotch-shot of a woman who was severely stretched out. (i'm sparing details) then, he proceeds to talk about how gross that is and how he had to send it to a couple of people he knows, and the *funny part* was that when he called one of those recipients later they exclaimed "that was fuckin' gross dude!"

ARRRRRGGGGGG!!!! i'm STILL fuming!

so, i took the opportunity to talk about the anatomy of a female porn performer and what can happen just after a photo like that one was taken.

to which he gave me the typical response: "if i look at porn, it's not this kind of stuff." meaning, big d***s and foreign objects etc. aren't his thing. well, duh. i know that.

i was too fuming and literally seeing red to get to tell him that the girls who do the girl-on-girl and mast. porn are also expected to do everything else. or else.

i was really pissed, but grateful that i had the opportunity and nerve (simultaneously) to speak up and say anything. well, how could i not? i felt this intense sadness and pain for the woman in the photo and searing rage at the men who are passing this image around. it's the closing section to the full circle of violence against women! pornsters expect the right to view porn yet when the image of what can happen to woman becomes available it gets traveled around as something to be ed by. they attempt to separate the two images of porn, but it is the finale in this particular cycle of violence. i was at least able to get this point across to my husband.

the whole thing felt traumatic in that i felt like i needed to be really explicit in order to get through to his long term memory. i also realize that i won't be able to say the things i said to him to just any man for fear of violent reaction to such a confrontation.

thanks for letting me vent about that particular experience. it's been pent up in me for a couple of days.

[sam]

"if i look at porn, it's not this kind of stuff." meaning, big d***s and foreign objects etc. aren't his thing.

geez

Sorry if you don't want me to express my contempt for your husband's responsibility avoidance, but I just want to say a few words about my response to the scene you painted.

That's got to be one of the most passively sniveling excuses I've heard in ages. If he looks at porn? Shouldn't that be "when"?

If he doesn't look at this kind of stuff, why was he looking at it right then? So he doesn't look at it except for if he does, and this one time (and only time, of course) doesn't count for some reason.

Why would he want to show that to you? Gleefully, even? (rhetorical questions, no need to answer)

[bluecoat28]

he proceeds to talk about how gross that is and how he had to send it to a couple of people he knows

Why did he have to send it??? He's proliferating that photo... just like the pornographers who took the picture.

[axjxhx]

"if i look at porn, it's not this kind of stuff." meaning, big d***s and foreign objects etc. aren't his thing.

geez

Sorry if you don't want me to express my contempt for your husband's responsibility avoidance, but I just want to say a few words about my response to the scene your painted.

That's got to be one of the most passively sniveling excuses I've heard in ages. If he looks at porn? Shouldn't that be "when"?

If he doesn't look at this kind of stuff, why was he looking at it right then? So he doesn't look at it except for if he does, and this one time (and only time, of course) doesn't count for some reason.

Why would he want to show that to you? Gleefully, even? (rhetorical questions, no need to answer)

i totally get you.

when he said "if", he started to say "when" and stopped himself. he's trying to not be in trouble with me, but he already was. i know he plays these word tricks with me but i'm not being fooled. i told him a couple of weeks ago that i can tell when he views porn now. he tried to shrug it off, call me crazy, all the typical entitlement shit....but what i said was true. he gets cold. and this resentful vibe pops up out of *nowhere*. it goes like this: if he thinks i don't put out enough, he should be able to view porn to get his 'needs' met. i first met him as a porn consumer, and never expected him to stop. one day, HE threw away his collection for reasons of respect towards me, though i didn't ask him to. he just did. slowly but surely the porn started showing up again, and this time i can see how it gets between us, not just because of my anti-porn stance, but also because of his attitude shift. then it's a domino effect from there.

this is one of the reasons why i joined this forum, to be able to have some kind of connection with others who do not bow to the pornsters. because i have become increasingly unbending myself. i felt that this confrontation i wrote about was a good step in the right direction in standing up in my personal life.

and yes, sam, he was viewing that kind of stuff right then and trying to deny it at the same time. i'm so used to this kind of crap that that part did go unnoticed until you brought it to me. i think that other than the typical woman-hating reasons for showing me that photo, he thought that he could share in the of it, since i've always been a jealous one. like, "see? let's hate on her body 'cuz she's a wh***. i don't like them more than i love you." i don't think he expected that the photo would offend me as much as it did.

if my husband didn't have the potential to give up porn as he did before, i'd be way more upset and less focused. i just have to have faith, which sounds naive, but it works that way between him and me.

[axjxhx]

he proceeds to talk about how gross that is and how he had to send it to a couple of people he knows

Why did he have to send it??? He's proliferating that photo... just like the pornographers who took the picture.

i really wished that he hadn't sent it any further, either. that's what made me cry. it's what pushed me to say something instead of being silent.

[bluecoat28]

It was an interesting weekend at the Teen Center I work at. On Friday, I chaperoned the 8th grade dance. A group of boys were watching girls enter the Teen Center and they were boo-ing them if the girls weren't wearing what the boys wanted them to wear. A few guys were shouting, "Boo!!!" and one of them was chanting, "Miniskirt! Miniskirt! Tube top! Tube top! Take it off! Take it off!" I immediately went up to them and started yelling. I singled out the boy who was saying "take it off" and yelled at him about how that's against the rules and I could get him kicked out. I said he "sounded like a sexist asshole" (he IS a sexist asshole though, but I didn't want to get busted for directly calling him an asshole). I told my boss later and he said that he already spoke to him about it and that he's getting a call home. I'm not sure that I believe my boss though.

I was very angry at the boo-ing incident and that got my adrenaline going for the rest of the night. It's also my job to stop the kids from excessive grinding, guy's hands on the girl's butt, dancing in "threesomes" (two guys on one girl basically). Threesome-dancing didn't used to happen when I was in high school... I wonder if that's becoming the norm because of the two-guys-on-one-woman porn?

THEN on Saturday, the band night happened. Besides the sexist shirts I saw two guys wearing, one band sang this horrible song about the WNBA (Women's National Basketball Association) and some of the lyrics were like this (I just remember pieces of it):

WNBA-- no one wants to see those broads play
go back to the kitchen
double vaginal double anal
no one cares [about the WNBA]... only if you can swallow

Those are bits of the lyrics... I can't find the lyrics online, so maybe this band wrote the song. The song later goes into how Anna Nicole Smith is a whore and how she's now underground in a six foot hole...

When I heard the song at the beginning, I started boo-ing, but no one could hear me (I was working the concession stand), then I put my thumbs down, no one could see me. Then I heard him say the "double vaginal double anal" part and the anger welled up. I left the concession stand and walked up to the lead singer and gave him the middle finger in his face, then I walked away to the front desk. It just annoys me how the people I work with don't seem to care. They say they don't like the music, but they're not willing to pull the plug on these misogynist jerks. I should have grabbed the microphone from the lead singer and kicked him in the penis to show how much I hated his woman-hating song.

At least other people saw how I gave the lead singer the middle finger and one guy told me that I "have balls to go up to him and give him the finger. He thinks he can get away with it because he's Jewish". I sort of appreciated his comment, but if he knows the band singer who "thinks he can get away with it because he's Jewish", then he ought to stop him from singing hatred. And if the lead singer is Jewish, it still doesn't give him ANY right to be a misogynist. As I was sweeping the downstairs, the guy yelled, "Thanks for standing up for yourself." I appreciated that a little. There were probably about ten young women at the band night, but they didn't seem to be outraged at the WNBA/Anna Nicole song (I'm sure it bothered them though and they were probably shrugging it off).

I wish any of these people in the audience would stand up for women. I wish I didn't have to be the only person in the room who stands up against that garbage. I can't stand fake-rebels... people like this that listen to their "alternative" music that's supposedly going against the norm... It's such bullshit. They going with the norm if they're bashing women or listening to their friends' misogyny and not correcting them.

I also spoke to the guitarist of the band after the show was over and I told him that it was a very offensive song and that they don't have to stoop that low as musicians. He said they "didn't mean it" and that they were doing it for "shock value". I told him that since he is the guitarist, he shouldn't play along with those songs. Another guy in the band said, "You know we weren't serious." I told him that it doesn't matter and that they shouldn't say things like that. They obviously don't understand why I was bothered by it and they're making excuses by saying it was "joke"... Again, it's losers like this that make me hate comedy.

Then to top off this misogynist weekend, my these two coworker guys at the Teen Center were laughing about this saying, "It's like taking a 6th grader to prom. It will only end in blood and tears." (so they think it's funny to laugh about a 6th grade girl-child being date-raped?)



I really don't understand people who have no empathy. I'm going to email the person in charge of the Teen Center about making this place more woman-friendly, because I'm seriously sick of going-with-the-sexist-flow of the place. The problem is that my bosses are generally good people, but they don't have a feminist consciousness... things like this don't outrage them ENOUGH. I also hope that I stop being silent about sexism. I speak against it, but my comments don't get through their thick patriarchal skulls... I hear it and get upset and they go on their dandy-way, spreading woman-hatred.

[KatetheGreat]

That's horrible, Bluecoat. I would've walked right up there with you.

And girls get satisfaction out of hearing that because they assume they're talking about "someone else" - you know, that annoying girl they don't like. Not them however, they've got a pass to the guy's respect.

I remember a friend of mine being faux insulted wheneve a few guy friends would call her "bitch". They'd go "aww, we don't mean it" and she'd feel vaguely satisfied. Then when they would use other women and say she "deserved it because she was a ho" my ex friend would say something to the effect that the girls asked for it.

She liked "being one of the boys" and it was clear I could get away with FAR less than any of the guys could. They could get drunk, take their pants off, hit on her not-yet-legal sister, call my ex-friend fat or insinuate that it'd be gross to be with her, call her bitch, listen to misogynistic rap - but as long as she got the thumbs up from them at the end of the day for being "Cool" it was all good. Unlike me, who needed to learn to be a strong woman and take their idiocy in stride.



There's a definate us vs. them mentality. As long as you can escape it, you feel safe. The loophole woman.
And people will always kiss up to the bullies, the people with the supposed power, if it means avoiding being the subject of the bully's wrath.

You definately bring this up, and man.. younger women need feminism. Now.